Over the past two days two people shared with me their dissatisfaction with each other. Both are very important to me. Both are very interested, to say the least, in ending their lifelong friendship. I hope that doesn't happen. Causing pain and being hurt are two universal phenomenons that will touch every human being at some point in their lives. Below is a piece I wrote in 2010... here is to those that hurt and to those that are causing pain. -sbb
Pain: physical suffering or distress, as due to injury, illness, etc. A distressing sensation in a particular part of the body: a back pain. Mental or emotional suffering torment: I am sorry my news causes you such pain.
“When you hold a grudge, you want someone else’s sorrow to reflect your level of hurt but the two rarely meet.” -Steve Maraboli
The term "hurt" means many different things to just as many different people. What may cause you pain
often doesn't even register with someone else. Some people are overly
sensitive and others have thicker skin than rawhide; that would be my
father. Some hurt is universal, such as a death of a loved one, a broken
or failed relationship or some kind of accident that cause physical
pain.
As Webster defines hurt we often can experience this not so uncommon phenomenon physically, mentally and emotionally.
The
pain I want to discuss is the pain "we", you and I, cause others. To be
more specific, the kind of pain or hurt that is caused by us only to
learn about it at a much later date. Often we have no idea what kind of
feelings, hurt or pain someone is carry around with them on the inside.
And if you would all do me the honor of allowing me to be more specific
once again, the truth of the matter is many times those people that we
have unknowingly hurt are often some of our closes friends and well
meaning acquaintances.
This past Sunday I had the "great fortune"
to speak with someone that I hurt in the past. This person wasn't
physically harmed nor have they been scarred for life because of the
situation. They are not currently in therapy nor despise me as a person.
In the end it was the inappropriate behavior on my part and the
completely inconsiderate actions on my behalf in the past.
In a word, I was tremendously "insensitive".
The names and places, the event and the time are irrelevant. Trust me, I hear the faint sound of many voices saying, "Whatever dude...give me the dirt."
There will be no dirt or gossip, only an opportunity for everyone
involved, including the reader, a chance to gain some insight and
knowledge into how one is to properly listen, and respond, to the words
of someone we offended or hurt. And if we are lucky, and blessed, we
will grow in wisdom when we capture the ability to "consistently" behave in the right way when we find out that we have caused another pain in the future.
If you heard me once, you have heard me say it a thousand times; "knowledge is the knowing, but wisdom is the doing."
As
I mentioned earlier, it was a gift and a blessing that this person
shared with me their thoughts, concerns and hurts. It was a gift that they had the maturity to share with me in a non-threatening way and it was a blessing
that they were able to display their hurt with such conviction that it
will leave an everlasting impression in my mind and on my heart.
As I drove away from this chance encounter I reviewed in my head what I just learned.
In the end there were three guiding principles that wouldn't leave my mind.
Allow me to share.
Allow me to share.
"Silence is Golden"
REMAIN SILENT: The
first thing that fortunately came to my mind when the other person was
sharing with me their disapproval was to shut up. Plain and simple, keep
your mouth shut. There is a reason the good Lord gave us one mouth and
two ears. I have had the great misfortune to meet people that act as if
they have two mouths and one ear. They are insufferable. I know...
I use to be one of those people. The quickest way to minimize, blow
off, offend, "say you don't get it" and otherwise come off like a
clueless and arrogant knucklehead is to start defending yourself
immediately. It is immature, childish and adolescent to behave in this
manner. Whether the person is completely off base or spot on let them
talk. Let them voice their disapproval and let them finish their
sentences. Don't interrupt... just shut up. Just as an aside, the only
time I would do otherwise is if the other person is creating so much
tension and their body language is so demonstrative that could cause the
situation to escalate, in this situation I would calmly walk away. In
both instances it's vital we don't argue our right to be right. It is a
very natural and human response and reaction to defend ourselves when
someone is taking us to task. I can only humbly suggest not to. The
other person will be more inclined to listen to your response if you
first let them talk. The saying isn't: "Silence is bronze", there is a reason for that. Silence is golden because its most often the best option available. In the end it's best to remain silent, everyone
will benefit in doing so.
"Walk a mile in another's shoes"
WEAR THEIR SHOES: One of the best, and most productive, things we can do is to view the hurt and pain of
another from their perspective. This takes maturity, humility and
empathy. If you are lacking in any of those qualities it will be very
difficult to remain silent and see things through their eyes. No matter
the degree of the hurt, no matter the cause or reason for the pain the
opportunity for moving closer to one another is eminent and very
possible. The chances are often much greater than anyone can, or wants,
to believe, but please hear me when I say there is a legitimate
opportunity to draw closer to that person. Again, listen when I say
there are something's that are almost impossible to get over. I get that
and I won't even waste our time giving examples of those situations.
What I'm talking about is the million hurts and pains people are victims
of because of the careless nature and behavior of another. When we find
resolution in these areas, situations that often can take on a life of
their own, is when we grow as a person and create deeper and more
meaningful relationships. It is easy to forget, but solidarity is often
born out of suffering. When we empathize with another, when we suffer
just a portion of what they have suffered is when we truly have the
opportunity to move closer to that person. I like what Sting penned in
the song King of Pain; "There's a little black spot on the sun today, It's the same old thing as yesterday." At
the end of the day, that is just how some people feel when they are
hurting and they are upset. We are better off if we realize, understand
and empathize with this truth.
"I'm sorry"
APOLOGIZE: Romans 12:18 states; "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. The
quickest way to improve a matter and the first major step to gaining
reconciliation is to sincerely apologize for the wrong(s) you committed. This takes humility.
An apology doesn't always lead to reconciliation or a resolution, but
both of those outcomes are impossible without a heartfelt and sincere
apology. Apologizing is the first step. Two of my favorite quotes on
apology are:
An apology is a good way to have the last word. ~Author Unknown
A stiff apology is a second insult.... The injured party does not want to be compensated because he has been wronged; he wants to be healed because he has been hurt.
A stiff apology is a second insult.... The injured party does not want to be compensated because he has been wronged; he wants to be healed because he has been hurt.
~G.K. Chesterton
Both
statements are very good, and very true, when it comes to the concept
of apologizing. It takes a big person to apologize; it takes an even
bigger person to accept one.
Humility is the key, and is required, in both situations.
In
order for a tree to grow it needs many things, but one of the most
important things it needs is wind. The wind is important because it
causes the roots to grow deeper and stronger, without wind we would have
no trees.
This
past weekend was one of those wind/tree moments for me. The words were a
little hard to hear and the comfort level was a little less than what I
would like to experience on a daily basis. To use a meteorological
term, it was more than a little windy.
But because of this experience I grew. I realized the importance of not
causing another person pain, and I also learned the importance of
acknowledging, accepting and apologizing when I cause hurt in another's
life.
The offense wasn't catastrophic, but the lesson was paramount.
sbb 29.12.10
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