Earlier this week a very close family friend shared with my wife and I that they and their spouse were starting counseling this week. They have been married for a very long time and have two grown kids. My wife and I were saddened but encouraged by the prospect of them seeking guidance and advice concerning their situation.
Encouraged but saddened...
People matter to my wife and I, and when dear friends are struggling with circumstances and situations that "Life" often presents it affects our family on many different levels.
It is only as I get older that I realize how wonderful my sister and I's childhood really was. My parents, still married after 46 years, provided for Meredith and me in a way we could never fully repay them. They coached, counseled, helped, and aided us in every facet of our lives.
They truly loved us.
They really showed me how important a family is.
Family is everything.
So for me, after two divorces, and the fact that I didn't fulfill my responsibility as a husband and a father in my younger years, like my parents did, I have found myself the last five or six years deeply saddened when I hear that people are wondering if it is worth staying married any longer.
This is extremely difficult when the people are very close to you.
I realize that every circumstance is different; it is just that divorce affects more than just "two" people. The collateral damage is undeniable, and at times, unbearable.
After sharing the news with us I was specifically ask; "what should the mindset be going into this?"
This was my answer:
The most important element, and decision, has been accomplished.
Counseling.
I shared with this person that you can't change what you don't acknowledge. I heard Dr. Phil make that statement over twelve years ago, and that very statement has more meaning and relevance to me today than it did in 1998.
Secondly, during the counseling process be solution oriented. Make allowances (emotional & mental) for the other party to vocalize their grievances and hurts; and realize that in the event you don't agree with their point of view, that this is their perception.
And at the end of the day, "their" perception is "their" reality.
Once all the issues are on the table, be about the "solution(s)" not the problem(s).
Remember, the other person isn't as bad as you make them out to be, and you are not as good as you think you are.
Next, agree to disagree without being disagreeable. Words penetrate deep into our minds, hearts, and souls; hurtful and mean words penetrate even deeper.
Be mindful of the fact that the person sitting across from you is someone's daughter or son, mother or father, and that person deserves your respect. Remember, there is a reason you are with that person, and have been with that person for so many years...it's because you love them.
Lastly, relationships, like people, have a specific destiny. We as individuals play a big part in our destiny and the quality of life we experience, and the quality of life we provide for others close to us. I've often shared with others God's word and promise from Jeremiah 29: 11-14... acknowledging the simple truth that God knows the plans he has for us..."They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."
Remember, we were made by God for God. Seek out "His will" for you in this situation and always embrace the awesome truth, and fact, that you have a destiny. And that your "relationship" has a destiny also.
An unbelievable destiny that has "a future and a hope".
sbb 9.7.10 (I Was Brought To My Senses . Sting) . 656
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